Matryoshka
by Pitry
Summary: Being out of time and space isn't just upsetting – it's also very, very boring. Especially when the Doctor has to live it time and again, and the only person to help him out of the mess is himself. And himself. And a hell lot of him.
1. The Old Man

**N/A - This was written all the way back in 2008...**

* * *

The first time the Doctor is amazed. Most Time Lords never get to meet their future incarnations. Well — amazed doesn't cover it. Amazed and _exasperated_, maybe. Amazed and embarrassed and a bit annoyed, definitely. Could he appeal to the great council asking for different regenerations, he wonders. Surely, having to be these people should be considered a cruel and unjustified punishment.

The dandy and the clown, he's already met them, and he can't help but roll his eyes at their bickering — children, the both of them. And then there's the Mad Hatter and the cricket fan and the loud and yellow one and the small man with the question marks and the one with hair way, way too long.

And they all travel with humans. That alone is a bit disconcerting, he has to admit. He has nothing against humans — oh, they're quite interesting creatures. Have the most peculiar customs, and they can be found everywhere in the galaxy — from the moment they evolved and — well, as far as he's gone, anyway, they are always there. With their little fights and their little squabbles and their strange, strange behaviour. Fascinating creatures — that's why he always goes back to Earth, after all. Susan quite likes them, too.

But travelling with them! Well, yes, of course, they're not as pompous as the Time Lords, but they have more than their share of unwarranted arrogance and stupidity and narrow-mindedness. Dealing with them on a personal level is never very interesting — he doesn't know _why_ Susan insists on going to that School — there is nothing she can learn there, of course — most of the time she corrects her so-called teachers' mistakes.

This lot of humans isn't that bad, he has to admit as he observes them, a bit at a loss. Some of them are a bit on the loud side, some of them seem to be a bit clueless — that girl running around with explosives is certainly one to keep an eye on — but all in all, a regular group of humans. Not important, not particularly interesting, not particularily clever or brave or unique in any way — just… humans. Whatever he is doing with so many of them is beyond him. Is this his future?

Apparently, it is. And more than that — only now, when another blonde girl arrives and sits next to him, upset, he notices there are at least two more versions of him around. One is tall, wearing a suit. He's standing next to the short one with the horrible sense of dress — well, really, they all have a horrible sense of dress, but that question-mark themed jumper is nothing he'll ever be caught in! — so there're two of him standing next to each other. And just for a moment, the Doctor catches his eyes, and then shudders. Did he just imagine it, or is there something in them that makes him want to run away and hide? Something he can never quite imagine he would become. So he doesn't look at him at all. Instead, he looks at the rest and realises there's another one of his future selves, one who refuses to leave the Tardis. How ridiculous of him, really. That's what got his blonde human companion so upset, and now another one gets up to try and talk some sense into him — loud and Australian she is, but he has to admit he likes her spirit, going to shout at an incarnation of his she hasn't even met yet. He's a little bit less appreciative the next minute when he realises he would have to deal with her on a regular basis one day, but decides not to dwell on it — it's going to be the cricket fan's problem, if he managed to fit human to regeneration correctly.

Actually, the Doctor has an idea of his own of how to make his idiotic future self come out — but one of them, these humans, stops him as he gets up. No, Doctor, she says. Let her try. I don't quite think you can help, whatever it is that's going on. He's about to protest — he sits here with his past selves connecting the different versions of the Tardis for a reason he can't understand, and isn't even allowed to go and shout at himself? But then he remembers his past encounter with his future selves — the dandy and the clown, and there they are, arguing with each other over Rassilon-knows-what! — he has to admit she has a point, he never got along too well with himself.

So he stops and keeps on helping her. She is quite the lovely girl, even if human, and deep down the Doctor wonders whether he should feel bad at liking his future companions better than he does his future selves, but then decides it is, after all, only natural.

The Doctors next to him work with each other — well, in between bickering with each other, at least. Susan seems to have struck a new friend — a boy, seems to be just a bit younger than her, but only seems to be, of course, as she's Gallifreyan and might be young but never in the scale of the humans. It's not until he gets close to the couple and listens to their conversation that he realises the boy isn't even human. But they are working with him, and with the one with the long brown curls and his human friend, the lovely girl who stopped him, and he slowly realises where they are and what is going on.

They are outside of time. This was never meant to happen, of course. The Time Lords must have pressed the wrong button to allow this accident to happen — and to keep on happening for each regeneration. He can quite understand the insufferable behaviour of the shouty yellow one now - being out of time and space isn't just upsetting — it's also very, very boring. After the first time you know the problem and know the solution and all that is left is going through the motions. As if having to spend all that time with your past and future incarnations isn't bad enough. He imagines that by the time he gets to be the shouty one — must be a rather late regeneration, that one — he would be so unpleasant as well.

But they have a solution — of course they have it, they've always known what to do, because he now learns it from them. A paradox, he notes, how curios! Tinker with this, connect the Tardises there, and each version of the Tardis with himself inside can dispose of the extra energy that would have been disastrous otherwise onwards to the next Tardis and exit this grey hell.

Meanwhile the Australian is back, greeted by an explosion from that violent young woman — he'll have to have a word with her one day, preferably before he travels with her — and his last incarnation walks in to talk with the one who refuses to show himself. And indeed, it isn't a minute before they get out. And they both join in, all cheerful and smiles, especially the new one — short haircut and a disgusting leather jacket — no class whatsoever, really. But the blonde girl seems to like him, a lot. And then there's the other one, too. Oh, he looks all nice and cheerful, bouncing around helping everyone with his sonic toy. But the Doctor doesn't quite take to looking into his eyes.

He is quite appalled at learning the energy build-up means that while the rest of them would leave in peace back to where they came from, this one, the latest one, far in his future, with that thing in his eyes, would have on his hands much more energy than the Tardis could ever handle. And no one knew where he'd land — or at what state. He just smiles and shrugs it off, but his eyes… oh, his eyes. At least, he seems to be alone - no human will be endangered by travelling with him into the unknown.

Never mind, no time to worry about it now, because they are the first to leave, after a few goodbyes from future companions and regenerations — and he can't help but noticing they all seem to hug Susan rather fondly and ignore him, and the only one paying any attention to him does so just in order to declare there's nothing wrong with him. With a blink of an eye, they're back where they started, the Doctor and Susan. That old yard in London. And because he knows he'd better get used to humans — after all, it seems as if he'll be spending with them the vast majority of his future — he decides, on a whim, to take these two rude teachers, the ones who follow Susan the very next day — on for a ride. He never quite realises how long he himself would keep on travelling with them, long after his own granddaughter is gone, because eventually they end up going to London, 2164. The Doctor wonders whether seeing his future was what made Susan make her decision. Or his.


	2. The Clown

**"So these are my replacements, a dandy and a clown." - The First Doctor.**

* * *

The Doctor doesn't warn them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

But he himself can at least remember who it's going to be, and ever since he saw Zoe, he'd been wondering. Better to keep it to himself, he thinks. No point in startling them, lovely girl, and Jamie of course. So he strikes a note in his recorder. It always makes him feel better. Clears the mind. But he's delighted to see Susan again, he gives her a hug, why wouldn't he? Of course he knows now that it probably was meeting all of the others that made him leave her there in 2164 in the first place but she's here and now and oh, how he has missed her! And besides, she seems quite happy with the answer she gets, that she's off having adventures of her own. And she is. A great adventure. One he seems incapable of having.

So he argues again with the dandy one who comes to say hello to Jamie and Zoe but ignores him completely. He remembers seeing it the first time round and being exasperated at the two of them and yes — here is the eye rolling from the old man with no sense of humour — or musical taste. He strikes another note in the recorded but just because he noticed the dandy one, who knows the one with the disturbing eyes is there now, sneaking a look. Of course, the Doctor has had enough time to ponder whether this would be the end, after all, all of his regenerations are here in order but none after _him_ and he might as well die once they all leave. But it's quite the gloomy thought and the Doctor would rather concentrate on other things. Absent mindedly, he takes a jelly baby from the Mad Hatter, the one with the smile of a Cheshire cat.

Don't wander off, he calls after Jamie and Zoe, a bit afraid of whatever gossip that might be going around in these circles, and instead instructs them to help him with the cords. They are soon assisted by another human girl — the lovely blonde one called Rose, and the Doctor quite likes her, even though she's quite confused, bless her. But she's doing her best to help. Of course, helping in this case means tripping all over, unplugging a cord and being shouted at by the rude yellow one, but he just pats the girl and gets her to help him instead, and then in no time there's the explosion from the direction of the dandy one and the one with the ears ends up joining them from out of his Tardis — he's not quite sure how much time _he_ was in there to convince him, but by his reckoning and memory can't be too much, and he wonders what he said — would say — to himself. But now the five of them are working and Zoe, Jamie and Rose are all exchanging anecdotes — about him no less! Oh, the cheekiness of these humans. But yeah, both he and the one with the big ears can't help but smile, too.

It's over all too soon for the Doctor's liking — he doesn't know why he dreaded it so much in the first place. He gives another hug to Susan even though the old grumpy one doesn't approve — oh, does he ever! — and the two of them are off, and the Doctor smiles fondly as he remembers the meeting they are both about to have. How he would have liked to meet Ian and Barbara once again! But that was then and this is now and he knows it's their time to go. Jamie and Zoe won't remember a thing of what's happened, of course. Their human minds just aren't built for it. But he will, and that's enough. Rose gives him a hug and he's quite surprised, and then goes back and holds his hand, the one with the big ears, and if the Doctor catches disturbing eyes looking at them in a weird way he dismisses it immediately and off they go, he ushers Jamie and Zoe back into the Tardis, back into their own time line, there are so many more adventures to be had.

They land in World War One, or so they think at first, and the Doctor is quite sad when he realises he would never see Zoe and Jamie again save these little moments outside of time and space. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so rude to the dandy one who was only trying to say hello. He does his best not to think of the dandy one anyway — why can't he ask the great Council and those meddlesome Time Lords for different regenerations? — and since he can't decide for himself, they do it for him and he has quite a nasty feeling before he passes out.


	3. The Dandy

**"Oh, those are my subconscious thoughts. I shouldn't listen to them too hard if I were you; I'm not all that proud of some of them." - The Doctor.**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

Of course, sometimes they end up laughing at him anyway — or just moaning that he should have stopped tinkering with the Tardis ages ago, because look at where he got the two of them now, where it's all grey and weird and gives Jo a bad feeling. Oh, he knew it's only a matter of time until he finds himself in that abominable place again and he wasn't very surprised when he first met Jo — although he did go through his best routine of complaining to the Brigadier because that's what he does best these days, and staying on Earth drives him insane, no matter how lovely the girl is. Complaining to the Brigadier makes him happy. How does that Earth saying go? Misery loves company.

Sometimes, the Doctor feels humans are a lot more clever than he gives them credit for.

And even if Jo isn't as clever as Liz, she certainly makes up for it in her loveliness. It's just that he's in his usual temper — and yes, in his better moments he smiles softly at Jo and wonders how she can stand him when he's in these moods and she just laughs at him — and after that business with the Master he does his best to get the stupid box to work on her own accord and finds himself there again. Once she stops complaining at him, Jo does ask why he sounds so exasperated. He doesn't bother explaining - living through the same routine time and again is boring enough on its own without the added bonus of explaining it. And besides, Rose is shouting for the one with the ears outside so it's time to go out and say hello.

So he goes out to meet her, and once again feels dislike for one of his other selves — the one with the big ears this time, for making this lovely girl so upset. She, of course, has no idea who he is, or why he has a Tardis of his own. It takes a while to explain, but the rest of his regenerations, one by one, show up and make it a bit easier.

She does seem a bit annoyed when she realises the Doctor has travelled with humans before her — a lot of them. And probably would continue after her, as well. Although in this particular time and place, if he remembers correctly, his last regeneration seems to travel alone.

He doesn't quite understand why it upsets her, but no matter. She would forget it all anyway in a little while. He loses sight of her when he's attacked by a hug, a black haired girl he has never met before. But Doctor, she insists, I'm Sarah, how can you not remember? The Mad Hatter near her says this regeneration has not met her yet, and she just sighs. He looks at her kindly in response and says he's sure it would be a delight to meet her, but that doesn't seem to make her feel any better. Soon, one of his newer regenerations catches her up for a hug.

She must be very important to him… one day.

Meanwhile, his predecessor has arrived, and the Doctor tries to have a small chat with Jamie and Zoe. But the fool with the recorder keeps on interfering, so he shrugs and goes to do what he does best — that is, tinker with this and that and figure out the solution — especially as he already knows it. He smiles at the girl — Ace? What a curios name! — and admits it's a lot easier to be so clever when he's been here twice already and knows exactly what to do. Still, the girl is a wonderful help and he tells her so — and she just laughs at him and tells him he's so different. She seems to approve and he can't help but be pleased — after all, who wants to be similar to this lot? Poor Jo is stuck helping the yellow one who keeps shouting and shouting, and the Doctor just sighs. Everything about this one is... off. And as for the jacket... He should have got used to his other regenerations' poor taste in clothing by now but for crying out loud, what is it with this jacket! What was going through his head? At least the cricket fan seems to do his best to tell him off, while Jo just sits in the corner, embarrassed.

And the Doctor? He still throws a glance at him, the small one with the question marks who stands there and talks smugly to the one with the eyes. He can't help but be fascinated by them, even though they still give him the shivers. And in all honesty, giving the shivers to a Time Lord takes some doing, even if the one giving the shivers is another Time Lord, and even if it's the very same Time Lord. And there's his cue, and yes — into the Tardis. While he expects the one with the ears he doesn't notice Ace pressing just the wrong button, and half of their project goes out in the explosion. He could have stopped her, but he can't really. Better not have paradoxes outside of time and space, they're bad enough inside when there's the universe around to contain them.

But he looks back at the Tardis now. It takes all of a minute for the both of them to emerge out of it. The Doctor can't help but wonder whether it's merely routine that makes them do it and whether the one with the eyes actually said something inspiring. Nevermind, as the one with the ears joins Rose and the clown and his recorder and they finish connecting all the different Tardises, a hug to his granddaughter and off they go, into the Tardis. Jo of course insists on hugging Rose before they leave, and then Nyssa and the other one, Peri. No, not Peri, he thinks, someone else, and the young Adric, looking lost now his new Gallifreyan friend has already gone home. Peri just looks exasperated at the yellow one, and who can blame her, really? But he coughs gently as a reminder, and off they go. Home.

So considering not a day later he meets the old one and the clown yet _again_, can anyone really blame him for getting frustrated? These things shouldn't happen once, let along a couple dozen of times! At least this time Jo remembers the encounter so he doesn't have to pretend it didn't exist, pretend he doesn't have a headache, and suggest she take an aspirin. And when she leaves he's grumpy as usual and is pretty sure he doesn't want to meet Sarah Jane after all. But that's the way things are — and yes, here she is, he didn't even need the difference in ages to know this is not Lavinia but rather her niece. He does go through the motions because he knows she wouldn't remember anyway, and besides, being like that makes him feel a tiny bit better. He thinks of Jo sometimes, even though he grows to love Sarah just as much.


	4. The Bohemian

**"The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering." - The Doctor.**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

He does smile his big smile from ear to ear — or is it from eye to eye in this regeneration, he's never quite sure, although they're quite big! — when the teleport doesn't bring the three of them to Nerva as it was supposed to but instead they find themselves in that grey plateau, out of time and out of space. Sarah Jane points out this isn't Nerva and Harry makes a comment and calls her Old Girl again — the Doctor muses on how human senses are too crude to notice the obvious rise in temper and can't help but wonder how the species ever survived. And then they're off, sonic screwdriver out and all. Sarah notices him, his old self, and rushes over, and he has to explain time paradoxes. She's unhappy but this is one time there's nothing he can do to make her feel better.

He expects it won't be the last. After all, his next regeneration is travelling with someone else. He smiles anyway. Better not dwell on the future. His future, anyway. Dwelling on others' future is his speciality.

Another one of his predecessors can't help but blow a note in the recorder, just for fun. And he quite gladly takes the jelly baby offered to him, too. The Doctor is quite proud at this very proof he always had manners. Of course, he knows the reason for his previous self taking the jelly baby with so little words and such absent-mindedness — the one with the eyes of course.

But as the Doctor reminds himself, he has finally had a rational regeneration. He simply refuses - once again - to worry about death and disturbing eyes, far in the future. First he just sits around and talks to that charming lady, Grace. Later, he prefers sitting there playing cards with Tegan — finally he caught her name! — while everyone else is running about. No need to connect wires, no need to look worried, no need to hear the yellow one shouts. Boy, he can shout. Tegan herself seems quite distraught. She couldn't get the one with the big ears out of his Tardis, and the explosion Ace caused didn't make things any better. The Doctor points out even Rose, that Doctor's own companion, couldn't shake him out, and smiles when she argues she has a way with him, with you, well you know what I mean. She does agree to a nice cup of tea after a while, and by then the one with the disturbing eyes wants a cuppa too — Hey, he says, who knows where I'm going, this might be the last one!

The Doctor is tempted to ask, but never does, because, well, some things shouldn't be known. He would know one day why he travels alone. Perhaps, it's because he's thinking of this very day. But this is the future. Instead, the Doctor makes a point to go to the old one and state clearly that there was nothing wrong with his regeneration, and as a matter of fact it was probably the most comfortable regeneration he's had so far! He does his best to ignore one of the others snorting, at any rate.

He looks for a bit at Susan, feeling again that need that comes every once in a while, to hop on to the Tardis and enter the date, 2164, Earth. Just to see her again, see how she's doing. The last time he could barely resist, when he found himself between Daleks and Ogrons and humans. But no, that was then, and this is now, and time has to move forwards. Who knows what the future holds.

The one with the eyes, of course, is the one to provide him with the device, he's seen it before but only now he knows what it means, because the accident that brought the three of them here was by teleport, not Tardis — so they teleport again, not before he gives Susan a hug, and lets the energy build up continue. He's a bit peeved to realise he's not on Nerva now as well, but his annoyance changes to interest when he hears the word Skaro. A new adventure, just the way he likes it.

It's a long time into his personal future before he realises this was the adventure that had changed everything.


	5. The Optimist

**"You know how it is; you put things off for a day and before you know it it's a hundred years later." - The Doctor**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

Lately, though, there hasn't been a lot of laughter around. Adric seems to have moods, and the Doctor never quite figures out what's wrong with him — that is disturbing in itself, he has to admit, because he's the Doctor, he's charming and clever and most important, he always knows everything first. And he always gets along with the humans around him, even if Adric isn't exactly human. Maybe that's the problem, he sighs and decides to take the Black Orchid book to him — surely he'd find it interesting! — when the Tardis ends up in the wrong place and it's grey all over again.

So instead of making things better with Adric, they just go outside to have a look around. Tegan comments about his inability to reach Earth once again when she sees one Tardis and then another and has to start randomly enter them. He himself has no such interest, he's been in them all before, or would be in them all in the future, and besides, he has no wish to ever look at the leopard skin desktop again. And there are worse things than the leopard skin. Who knows what the rude yellow one uses… Judging by his jacket, taste isn't his greatest strength, and there are desktops such as Desert and Sunrise and Pink. He ends up taking a peek just to make sure it isn't Coral — thank Rassilon! - and is surprised by the yellow rude one, even though he shouldn't be, not really.

The yellow rude one does seem to be less loud than he remembers — or maybe he just grows more tolerant as he grows older. The Doctor's got this vague impression, this weird feeling somewhere deep inside, that the yellow one gets quieter every time he looks at Adric and Susan, working together with the grumpy one and one of the newer folks they don't know yet. And then he goes back to Rose who's distraught as it is and shouts at her all the more, poor girl. And the Doctor can't help but noticing how these two things always come together. Silence towards Susan and Adric - and then shouting, all the more loudly. As if to compensate for the silence. But really, he'd rather not know. Being reassured about the Coral was enough for now.

So he just tells him off for driving poor Rose away and smiles happily at Jo, sitting there at their side, trying to help Nyssa. The both of them are slightly embarrassed with the situation, but he expects the yellow one has that effect on people.

Tegan has failed in drawing the one with the ears out of his Tardis. The Doctor could have saved her the trouble but events should play out as they always do, shouldn't they? Besides, he doesn't really want to stop her — he wants to know what she thinks could drag him out of there. He only has — well, four regenerations to find out, by his reckoning, unless there's something the one with the eyes isn't telling them. He finds these eyes less disturbing now — maybe as he grows older he understands the look on his face a bit better, or at least convinces himself he does, but he definitely is getting more curios. And anyway, he has better things to do, like going to say hello to Sarah and Harry and Jamie and Zoe and give Susan a great big hug! It's one of these days the Doctor really misses Romana and wishes a bit she was there too, but that's not the way things play out for him, and he can't say he's sorry he's getting to see Sarah again instead.

And besides, Adric's mood seems to get a lot better. He's working well with Susan — they always reminded him of one another, he muses — and for the first time in quite a long while he actually seems happy. A shame he wouldn't remember it, the Doctor figures. After they add their own contribution to the energy build up they go back again, and he tries not to think about how that is going to send the one with the eyes into the unknown eventually. But he doesn't forget what he intended to do, so he picks up George's Black Orchid book and walks over to Adric's room.

But they just get into a fight again.


	6. The Extrovert

**"An inspiration of geniuses?" - The Doctor**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

Besides, he never quite knows himself. It's all very tiresome, this thing, and even though the sheer structure of Time and Space demands it, trying to find some lovely planet for the holiday he promised Peri and finding himself outside of time and space yet again is more than inconvenient. Especially as Peri doesn't understand what's going on, what sort of a holiday is this, and would he please stop playing these games. He sighs and tries to explain that really, it's not his fault at all and he'd rather find himself on the beaches of Gajeya 7 or Ravolox, but she's already off at seeing another Tardis, and he sighs yet again and plays the part his memory tells him he should.

No wonder he was so loud — this is a boring place to be! The thought does come to his mind, whether he's rude and loud and a bit obnoxious the way he remembers all of the time, but he dismisses it, after all, what's the opinion of old, stuffed Time Lords, even if they're him.

And besides, he _loves_ this jacket. It brings out his eyes, and goes very well with his hair. He quite likes his hair, too.

He takes pleasure in surprising the one with the cricket outfit — and they would criticise him! The man is wearing a vegetable! — because, really, he should have known better than thinking he'd use Coral, no matter how much he dislikes his lovely coat. But he can't quite stop himself from falling silent as he sees Adric prancing along, helping Susan and his older self and younger self solve the mystery and connect all the time machines.

He wants to say something, he really does, it burns down his throat, but he says nothing, there is nothing he can say. He _knows_ he's being rude to Rose, who, to the best of his memory is a sweet young lady, but he can't help it. If he stops, he'll think of Adric. Or these two, looking at him, because he can't help but notice the small one with the hat and question mark umbrella eyeing him while talking to the one with the eyes. Hmpf. He just knows they're talking about him. Yeah, the best distraction is being loud so he makes sure he greets the one with the big ears as loudly and obnoxiously as he can as the two of him finally get out of that Tardis — yes, about a minute. He can't help but wonder how to convince someone — not someone, him! — to leave the Tardis when he doesn't want to and once again wonders whether this is all for protocol or is there a real reason for the one with the ears to act this way. Not that you'd know it of him, for all the way Tegan left the Tardis distraught. He's now out with a smile from ear to ear — literally — and looks not unlike the Mad Hatter with the scarf who's playing cards with Tegan and giving the one with the eyes some tea. So he just helps the general tinkering and mainly makes comments and shouts orders, just in case some of his predecessors have forgotten how to connect the Tardises. He knows deep down they didn't, but he does it anyway. It makes him feel a little bit more useful… if not for him, at least for Peri. She seems to have lost a bit of her faith in him lately, and it would be good to seem to be in charge.

He can't help but hug Adric as strongly as he hugs Susan before they all leave. He knows he will never see him again and it breaks his heart so he compensates for it by being even louder than usual until Peri tells him off. He shoots the last one a look — this time, not because he wonders where or when he'll end up but because he knows these eyes now, they're not disturbing him anymore. He wonders just how many more Adrics it would take to create these eyes and figures that he doesn't want to know. Unfortunately, he knows he would find out sooner or later anyway.

Peri is still insisting on a holiday, so, in the spirit of their last conversation, he tells her alright, he will take her to — but then the shift happens and she doesn't remember a thing and they find themselves on Ravolox, only it doesn't look like Ravolox, it looks like Earth. How peculiar!


	7. The Manipulator

**"High drama is very similar to comedy – it's all a matter of timing." - the Doctor**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. What would be the point? They wouldn't remember it afterwards anyway, and would just end up laughing at him.

And besides, telling Ace something like that would be pointless. She doesn't need to know. She has nothing to do with this knowledge, really.

And The Doctor is quite sure she's still just a bit angry with him for bringing her to that old house, and for her friends' deaths, and his own dismissal of their disappearances. And sure enough, she's going out of the Tardis as soon as they get there — and he realises where "there" is — and once he explains the basics of the situation she's off working with the Dandy. Which is fine. He can't be occupied with this now, he has more important things to do, different goals to this lot - things to find out. Like what exactly is going to go inside one version of the Tardis, not too long from now. But it appears as if one of his future selves is trying to dissuade him from acting like that — it's not very inspirational, the one with the long brown curls says before starting towards the old one, to work with him and Susan, his companion following him. The Doctor asks him how does he know — from what he managed to gather and from what his memory tells him, this one with Grace is the person he himself is going to turn into — definitely not later in the line. He just smiles and says, He told himself when he was the Doctor, short and wearing a hat and question marks. For once, the Doctor is left impatient at his own arrogance.

His impatience doesn't get any better when the one with the eyes shows up — and now the curiosity is burning him.

Aware of it — of course he is! — he just stands there, the one with the eyes, next to him, looking quietly at his working self and squabbling self and fascinated self and smug self, without giving one look to the Tardis where he hides. The Doctor knows the one with the eyes is standing next to him for a reason, but he refuses to be the one to start talking, even though he's bursting within. He can't help but feel a little bit annoyed at this frightening stranger who knows him so very well, and how he feels about it, and still refuses to talk.

But of course, he starts talking at some point. She likes him better than you, the stranger says without turning to look at him, just looking at Ace, working there with the tall one with the white hair, teasing him every once in a while, and obviously having a great time. The Doctor can't quite believe it — is that all he can think of saying to him, tell him off for his treatment of his human companion, especially when he knows — he knows! — the things the Doctor has to deal with, the risks he has to take, why he has to treat her the way he does. It has to be like that, the Doctor answers him briefly, but he knows himself well enough to know his future self is still judging him, and not for the best. I've noticed you travel alone, he adds, a bit nastily, trying to push this stranger off his guard, but he only laughs, the one with the scary eyes, and the laughter doesn't really reach his eyes, just moves from his lips towards his nose and stops there, unwanted. You don't really think you can manipulate me, do you? He asks and the Doctor can only mutter it was worth a try. Yes, it was, the other one laughs again and this time the laughter reaches his eyes, even if it's for just one moment.

They stand there for a bit longer, the Doctor knows they're going to because he remembers that, watching himself while working with Ace, enjoying this delightful young woman — and oh, she is, the Doctor knows that even if he doesn't tell her that as often as he could — and stealing a glance at the two of them. More at the one with the eyes than at himself, but all the same, the Doctor can remember them standing there for a while. Even if they're not saying anything in particular, just watching the group. The blonde one, Rose, comes out of the Tardis, and he sees the way his older counterpart is looking at her. He knows he could really press a button now, see how scary his eyes can really become, but decides not to. He might not like him too much, but he is himself, there isn't a lot of point in that. Thank you, he hears him saying quietly, and he knows his eyes are a lot more scary now, without even looking at them.

Tegan walks in, then a couple of moments later walks out again. The Doctor always wonders what exactly he tells her to leave her looking so cross, and the Doctor next to him, who already said these words, doesn't give him the answer. Even though he knows. Instead, he looks at her affectionately as she walks straight towards the group working on connecting the different versions of the Tardis together, only to be scared out of her wits by Ace's next explosion and wander off again, until she settles with the Mad Hatter. That's my cue, the one with the scary eyes says, and starts walking towards the Tardis, still holding the one with the ears inside it. For the first time, the Doctor notices the obvious — there are only eight versions of the Tardis around. Even without the Mad Hatter's, still on Nerva, they're still one short. Wherever this one came from, he didn't land at the same place as the others. He opens his mouth to ask, but the Doctor just shakes his head at him. There are some things you shouldn't know, he says as he walks towards his predecessor's Tardis. Like what I'm going to say to him. But don't worry, he adds, it's not really inspirational. The Doctor can't help but smile.

Right on cue, they both leave the Tardis, and the one with the ears joins his working counterparts to the adoring smile of his companion. The one with the eyes runs around a bit, helping here and there, asks for a cup of tea, connects his own Tardis — wherever it may be, the Doctor thinks, instructs Ace how to do something worthwhile with that fondness of explosives she has — she likes him better, too, the Doctor realises, even if the rest are wary of him.

But after a while, he goes back to stand at his side. You think you can control them, he says quietly. That if you prepare yourself for everything, you won't feel that anymore, that pain you felt when Adric died and when you thought Peri was dead and before that, too, even if not as strongly. You're wrong.

The Doctor looks at him, at that version of himself who knows something, something he doesn't know, something about his future. But his future self is just staring forward at the group of Doctors and Companions, working together. You can't prepare for everything, the Doctor says quietly. Allow yourself to feel and to connect to them, because you'll hate it when they leave you, either way. This way, at least you'll also have fond memories.

I have fond memories of Ace, the Doctor starts protesting, and this time the smile that is aimed at him is a sad one. You can't hide from me, the Doctor says quietly. You can't pretend.

The Doctor tries to distract himself from this uncomfortable truth by looking around. The vast majority of the Doctors are still deep at work, but the one with the long curls seems to be exceptionally attentive to this conversation of theirs, even though he already remembers it, and the Doctor knows he must be right. And then he catches the glimpse of fear in the eyes of his next regeneration before they're diverted back to the crowd.

Ace, he tells her then, when they're in the Tardis and on their way to another adventure. I'm sorry.

No problem, Professor, she says. She must think it's still about that last thing, that house, her friends, whatever last thing he did to hurt her. He doesn't really know how to say he's sorry for everything. She wouldn't believe him anyway. She can't remember those eyes, the ones that were very very clear. Apologise. Make the best of it while you still can. He realises then she's looking at him in a strange way, long after he pretends he never said anything and goes about his business. Maybe she does understand, after all.


	8. The Oncoming Storm

**"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones." - The Doctor**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. He's too scared to put the thought into words, the unknown future is always looming at the back of his head, and as much as he tries to hide it from his companions, it's never too far back.

Besides, this time he doesn't want to talk about it, even if Grace could have remembered. It gave him some sort of comfort at first — he really liked her, and when she said no, he knew they were bound to meet each other again. So he didn't press, and just went on travelling instead — and met Stacey and Ssard and Lucie and Sam and Anji… so many of them, that sometimes he's unsure whether he remembers them all. But eventually he met Grace again, and here they are now, travelling in space and time and he knew for a while this day is going to come soon, but never wanted to mention it.

He's afraid — yes, he is. The Doctor is afraid — and what's even more rare, he's also willing to admit it. He doesn't know what it is that makes the grumpy one, the one with the leather jacket, the one he will regenerate to, act like this. He doesn't believe it's all for nothing, that he only behaves this way because he remembers behaving like that — the Doctor knows himself well enough to know he would never do something so boring. Oh, there probably is that annoyed resigned I-will-do-this-because-this-has-always-happened, but there's also something else in there. There has to be.

And the Doctor doesn't want to know. Especially when he remembers his future self's words.

So he tries to be busy — he fakes cheerfulness and walks around and introduces Grace to his various incarnations — she seems to take a particular liking to his fourth self, the Mad Hatter with the big eyes and big curls and big scarf, and he gets her occupied while the Doctor himself walks around and says hello to his old friends, those companions he hasn't seen for a long, long time.

And still he remembers his future self's words.

So after he fulfills what his memories tell him is going to happen he goes over to the small one with the question marks, to tell him that it's not very inspirational. Even though he doesn't know what was said — is being said — would be said. Even though he hopes it's inspirational. Even though he hopes there's a meaning to all of this. But now, he just doesn't know. So he sits a bit with Adric and Susan as they both use that wonderful intellect of theirs to help. After all, they need to connect all the different versions of the Tardis, including the one missing, left on a different planet as the Doctor and his two companions transported towards Skaro, and the one that's out of sight, and now the Doctor wonders how could he dismiss it so easily — He should have noticed it regenerations ago. Why did this Doctor keep his Tardis out of sight?

And still he remembers.

So when Rose shows up, upset in the exact same way he's seen her several times before, he starts talking to her, trying to learn what this new Doctor is like. She's very guarded — and it fits, it fits the manic way he remembers his future self moving around after that fit of sulkiness for an unknown reason. And then Tegan shows up as well, and Ace scares her off with a big explosion and he hears her telling the third one, exasperated, she knows about safety precautions and he just offers to make her explosions bigger and the Doctor himself can't help but smile. Oh, Ace. His future self was right. He's memories of her are the saddest. He missed out so much, trying to stay impartial and aloof. What a mistake that was.

And then he sees his next self emerging from his Tardis, all energy and manic smiles, as if he wasn't locked up there up until a moment ago, and the Doctor remembers and can't help but sneak a look at the two of them, the small one and the one with the eyes, as they are talking, as his future self tells his previous self these words. You can't prepare for everything.

And the Doctor is scared.

But he gets his answer once they're back into regular time. As soon as the Tardis leaves that nowhere place, he gets the message from Romana. Grace knows something is up, as the Doctor seems to have caught a headache at the exact same time as she did. And he doesn't say yes or no but just tells her she has to go back. Because he knows now what his future self warned him from, all those years ago. He hadn't felt towards anyone the way he feels towards Grace, not since those days travelling with Romana, and as much as it would pain him to leave her behind, he isn't going to risk her, not that way. Time is in flux, and he will change whatever it was that prompted the warning. Grace would not be risked. She doesn't understand, of course. And she can't understand why he's so happy and smiling even when he tells her he must leave her behind. But she accepts that because he tells her he'll come and pick her up again and even if she doesn't know it, he actually means it this time. Once he drops her off he's light hearted and relieved and makes just one more trip, a hundred years into the planet's future, to pick up one other person. Susan might have spent most of her life outside of Gallifrey, but she is still a Time Lord, and would still be needed. Then they set the controls back home, back to Gallifrey. It would be hard, he knows, and dangerous, but they will defeat the Daleks the way they always do, and they would reach a truce, the way they always do, and the most important thing is that Grace, that wonderful but fragile human, is safe. After all, how worse can it get?


	9. The Dreamer

**"Funny old business, time; it delights in frustrating your plans." - The Seventh Doctor**

* * *

The Doctor never warns them that it's going to happen. He doesn't think about it. "It" doesn't exist as far as he's concerned. He's put "it" in a box inside his head and locked it away, the same box that holds orange planets and pepper-pot like creatures and pompous old Time Lords in funny hats. Oh, the box can't be locked up all of the time — every once in a while, something falls out, sneaks in through the key hole. Like a plastic creature, crying out for vengeance when its food supply disappeared — never existed, really. Like when a young girl can't help but think of her planet destroyed. Like when creatures from another world have lost their planet as well, their planet and bodies, and could use his little box for their own purposes.

Like when the pepper pot showed up in the middle of nowhere where it was never supposed to be.

But most of the time the box is locked away. There to be ignored.

So when he looks at Rose in that weird smile, points out the readings from the Tardis are weird and walks outside, he's unprepared to see the grey landscape he knows so well already. The grey landscape that is soon to be filled with blue boxes, identical to his own.

And now he knows. He never thought of it before, but now he knows. It wasn't about playing a role and making sure time moves the same way it always does. Not at all. And after he smiles a bitter smile — because even in pain, he can't help but appreciate a good irony - he rushes back inside and closes the door behind him.

He can hear Rose's voice, but refuses to turn around — he doesn't want her to see him like that. He can hear her voice outside now. She's learning about regenerations, meeting his older selves, and one newer self whose eyes are no longer frightening — because now, at last, he truly understands them. She's meeting his old friends, and had he not already been there and known her reaction he would have thought it'd end badly, but it goes alright. And besides, it doesn't matter, because she'll forget it all again in three hours, twenty-four minutes and fifty-three seconds, and it would be as if this place and this time had never existed. Only he will remain with his nine memories of nine different lifetimes in this place, always taking the exact amount of three hours, thirty-eight minutes and forty-one seconds.

He wonders whether he told himself the truth all those years ago — and not yet. Whether he really is going to come out because of the part he has to play and not because his future self would know what to say.

Rose certainly doesn't know what to say. She tries to tell him they need him outside, that all his old friends are there and doesn't he want to meet them again, but he still refuses to turn back towards her and tells her he'd rather stay in the box. She says the others said he'll come out eventually and he says maybe, so she asks him why drag it any longer and besides, he's acting like a spoiled brat. He does laugh a bit, but he's not very amused and she knows it. She tries a bit more and he can hear in her voice she's upset because she thought she can always cheer him up, and in three hours, eleven minutes and forty nine seconds she'd start thinking this again. But right now she's not so sure so she walks out of the Tardis and back to the other Doctors. He remembers his future self telling his past one that Ace liked him better when he was someone else, and the Doctor knows that for a couple of minutes now Rose is going to like some of his past regenerations better, but he doesn't mind, because she cares about him and he knows it, even when she's angry.

He also remembers the other sentence, you can't be prepared for everything. Oh, what a fool he was. To think he could stop that.

Two hours, Forty-five minutes and thirteen seconds, and Tegan walks in, right on cue. She tells him off, of course. She always used to tell him off. He does turn to look at her, a fond smile on his face, and he tells her he missed her, and so she tells him off again for acting that way. But still he won't come out. And she, of course, isn't going to give up, his mouth-on-legs.

But eventually she does give up, and he knows exactly the moment. Two hours, thirty-one minutes, fifty four seconds. And yes, just as he knows will happen, she sighs and tells him he's impossible and that she's never going to tell her own Doctor off again because at least he's reasonable and friendly and walks away. He admires her a bit. Even though he knows she's going to tell him off again, so, so soon.

And then he walks in. The Doctor doesn't want to look at him. He remembers his first impression of the man, this future regeneration — and second and third, and fourth and fifth, and on and on. He knows the horrible thing in his eyes and he knows the reason he never saw it in his own eyes is because he was already sulking, so they — he — took it for granted. But he knows they both have the same thing hidden away, deep inside their eyes.

But then he does turn around, impatient at this aloof stranger, leaning at the entrance of _his_ Tardis and looking at him with this annoying, superior smile, and starts wondering whether those eyes have seen even more disasters than those he can remember.

Well, he asks, unfriendly and impatiently. Or am I just supposed to go outside because this will have always happened. Now that would be uninspired.

This is your last chance, comes the answer, and the Doctor is surprised at how sincere it is. You won't get another, you know it. And what you feel now will change, but I know you will never be able to forgive yourself if you miss it.

And that's himself talking to him from the entrance of the Tardis so the Doctor can't even pretend to be outraged, he knows he's right. And he opens the door, wearing his biggest, most cheerful smile together with the leather jacket and the big ears and the attitude and walks outside — and yes, here she is. Sitting together with another dead friend, solving the problems and helping such a younger, innocent version of him complete the calculation. His granddaughter.

Rose smiles when she sees him stepping out. Tegan makes a sound of approval from her place near the Mad Hatter. His younger selves are unappreciative, of course, but then he's been rather foolish when he was younger. And he walks towards Susan and Adric and asks them to let him help, do some calculation and help connect the wiring to two versions of the Tardis that are not physically there because this is a demanding task at the best of times. And after a while they start laughing and making jokes and then Ace blows something up again, albeit on a smaller scale, and gets quite a different reaction from the one she expected and they laugh again. And all is well.

He tries to catch his older self's gaze, to tell him he knows he was right and to say thank you, even though he knows that version was him once and he knows all these things. He notices, of course, his future self avoiding his eyes, quite clearly, and he knows that that man has hardly said a word to Susan. Or to Rose, who was kept, by some lucky charm, as far away as possible from him and hasn't quite figured out who he is.

But he doesn't ask why.

Some things, he's better off not knowing.

He can see it in his eyes, too.

They wave them all goodbye, each in their turn, he hugs his old friends and she hugs his older selves. Rose presses his hand, holds it tight. Never lets go. And the both of them walk then together to the last Tardis, only one man left watching over them and never saying a word. She starts to ask where is his Tardis, but the Doctor shuts the door on the future he doesn't want to hear and presses the button and then they're gone, and Rose is none the wiser.

The Doctor knows Rose can't remember a thing from that experience, but he can't help but wonder whether something managed to bleed through after all when she next comes to him and asks to meet her dad, to just see him, just once. And he, the fool that he is, does remember that meeting with his dead granddaughter and can't say no. Even though he knows it's a mistake.


	10. Prologue and Epilogue: The Lonely God

**"You never get wise, you only get older." - The Dandy Warhols, Big Indian.**

* * *

_"How long are you going to stay with me?"_

_"Forever."_

The Doctor watched the last box flying away, carrying Rose within it, Rose with that version of his, all wounded and lost, getting better as the days go by, thanks to her. He smiled in fondness as he thought of the adventures they were yet to have, and of that wonderful Rose, who was now living happily in a parallel world with a version… no, he told himself, his fond smile turning into pain. Don't go there. That was the path to fantastic young women whose life he destroyed, brilliant women who forgot their faith in themselves and immortal men, being there for him even though he did nothing to deserve it. That was the path towards another goodbye.

He had an adventure in front of him to worry about now. No time for that.

So he walked past the grey hills and towards the Tardis. But he still had one thing to do before he entered his ship.

"It's done," he told the man leaning on the blue box with a fake smile — less for that man's sake and more for the sake of the young girl, standing next to him. The man, after all, remembered the smile was fake.

"Your turn now." His future self smiled back, and on his part, it was a genuine smile.

"Yup. You know, taking advantage of the Time Lords' absence to manipulate time and space that way is very... Time Lord... -y."

"Time Lord-y?" The Time Lord raised an eyebrow, but the Doctor didn't push it. It was all meant to be. Apparently.

"No chance you could tell me where I'm going?" he tried.

The older man chuckled. "You wouldn't really want me to tell you, now, would you, Doctor? Besides. Time is in flux. Who knows where you'll end up?"

"Cheeky…" the Doctor muttered and turned towards the girl who was smiling at him in affection. Oh, she was warned in advance. For once, his companion would know exactly what is happening. For once, his companion heard the story, the one about the different people he was and the different people who accompanied him in his travels. For once, his companion would retain these memories later on.

"It would be a pleasure to meet you one day," he said, and she just laughed.

He left them then and walked into his own blue box, standing right in front of the other one.

"Ready?" He stroked the console fondly, and pressed the button.


End file.
